


Awakening

by xgabxx



Category: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-06 02:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16379495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xgabxx/pseuds/xgabxx
Summary: He knows what she means by that, and he tells her. "I get it that it's weird, considering we're supposably in a fake relationship." Peter is looking so directly at her that he's not even blinking. That now familiar tension building up once again."Supposably?" She repeats, and he's right in front of her, and she could oh so easily just open her knees a little bit to fit him in between her legs, where she wants him, but she shakes that thought off her head. She has to. "We are in a fake relationship." Lara Jean says, almost like she's trying to convince herself of that."Are we really?" And he leans, putting his two hands on the counter right next to her legs, their mouths close enough she can feel his breath. "We're just pretending, right? Like you said a while ago."more like: Peter and Lara Jean coming to senses that they're madly in love with each other.





	Awakening

 

They're at the Corner Café after the party, talking to each other in between fries and a chocolate shake Peter asked for but they're sharing. It's surprisingly easy to be with one another. _Surprisingly_ , really, because neither thought it could be so - what's the word? Natural, even. They simply get along. And it's great considering they're in a fake relationship and one would think it's absolutely required to get along with who you're dating, right? Even though this whole thing is fake - they know _that._ Getting along and enjoying each other's company make it all much more comfortable. Lara Jean is currently teasing Peter, saying he's pretty obsessed with the one girlfriend he's ever had - her name is Gen. She used to be Lara Jean's best friend, a long time ago. And acknowledging how much of bitch Gen is to her these days, it's hard to believe they were ever that close. It's almost like it never happened. But he is - _obsessed_ , that is. Obviously. They broke up a while ago. Or Gen dumped him over this college dude, totally disregarding the fact she had been with Peter for two years. So, he's pretty hurt. Maybe not exactly hurt, but you know how fragile a guy can get when it comes to his ego. And she gets his being obsessed, first girlfriend, for a long time, being the most popular couple in school, being totally disposable by her that way - yeah, she gets where he comes from. But it definitely amuses her watching him try to convince her and even himself that' he's not.

 

"You're not?" She says in disbelief and he nods. "Okay, so prove it. Don't call her tonight." Lara Jean is shocked at how confident she sounds, but she loves it.

Peter doesn't quite know if it's the way she flips her hair, or how sexy her voice suddenly is, or simply because she's challenging him and he wants to comply, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knows something changes. "Fine. I won't." And Peter means it, he doesn't even blink. "But why do you say that?" He figures two can play at this game, whatever this is. It certainly feels like _those_ games.

"What do you mean?" She has no idea where this is going to but can't say she isn't enjoying it.

"Why you don't want me to call Gen?" Peter asks, his voice low yet soft, and as he waits - more like hopes for - a certain answer, he notices something different in her countenance, like she's caught off guard or something.

Lara Jean does this pouty face - it's a thing she does when she's thinking, he knows that already. "It's not even about what I want, Peter." Okay, not what he was waiting for. "I just think it isn't healthy, you know? I mean, especially considering how she treats you. I'm sorry, it's just - you're nice, you're a nice person. And you deserve nice."

He keeps looking at her and he decides he likes this answer as well. "Well, you're nice." Peter says in his spontaneity.

She blushes, smiling at him. "You're right, I am. But don't do that."

"Do what?" He asks, putting his elbows on the table.

"Flirt with me." Lara Jean looks at him, up and down, without really realizing. "I know you can't really help it, but don't."

"Fine, Covey, I'm sorry." And he's not, not really, but it's all he can say. He then scratches the back of his head, looking the other way.

"You're not, actually." She jokes, and maybe, just maybe, she says that in a flirty tone herself. "But it's okay."

Peter stares at her again. "True, I'm not." And they both share a laugh. He continues. "But yeah, thanks for saying that.. about me being nice. You know, you're talking about me, but you're pretty awesome yourself. And you deserve nice, too."

Lara Jean gives him one of those smiles where her mouth matches her eyes - and he likes the idea that maybe those are her _Peter smiles_. "You're sweet."

He gives her a smile, too. They keep looking at each other quietly for a few seconds, until he breaks the silence. "If you don't mind me asking, why haven't you ever had a boyfriend?" Peter doesn't know where this comes from, honestly. It's just the more he gets to know her, the more interesting she becomes. So, yeah, he doesn't get it why someone like her wouldn't have a boyfriend.

Nevertheless, he's secretly happy she doesn't. That way, they can do this.

Lara Jean opens her mouth for a second, but then closes it. She was about to say some made-up shit to cover up the fact that she's always been afraid to actually live something romantic, but she knows Peter can see right through her, so she decides to be sincere instead. "You see, the thing about love and dating is that it's great if I'm reading about it, or writing about it, or watching it in films, or fantasizing about it in my head. But when it comes to real life... I - it scares me."

"Why?" And the way he asks is almost as if he can't believe she's afraid to love because she's so passionate about so many things.

She swallows, licks her upper lip with the tip of her tongue - she probably _never_ said this out loud. "Well, because the more people you let into your life, the more they can just walk right out."

Like her mother, he assumes. And then it all makes sense. He shares about his father abandoning him, his brother and his mother a couple of years ago to start a new family. Peter knows it isn't the same, at all. His father isn't dead - like her mother is. And talking about this is reminding him of how much he misses his father, even though he's really mad at him for leaving too. She tells him it's okay - that they don't have to talk about it if it makes him uncomfortable, but, we're entitled to feel things, even when feelings are sort of contradictory.

"You know, you were saying you're afraid to put yourself out there and be in a relationship, but you don't seem to be afraid to be with me." Peter says, and it isn't a question, he's stating a fact.

She tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear, like she does sometimes, and avoiding his gaze, answers him that there's no reason to be afraid. He asks her why, his voice low and sweet, and sort of regrets asking when she replies: "Because I know we are just pretending."

He keeps staring at her, trying to decipher why her voice kind of breaks a little when she says the word _pretending_. Funny how, most of times, it doesn't feel like pretend at all. Peter knows there's something about his expression that gives away the fact he's hurt by her response when Lara Jean frowns, and she's about to ask him what happened, but he forges a smile and gets up, wallet on his hand.

"Peter, are you - is everything ok?" Lara Jean asks anyway.

He swallows - how come it is so hard for him to lie to her when this whole thing started out with and as a lie? "Sure, Covey." But she notices in his voice that's he not that sure. "I'm just gonna pay the bill and we can go. If you want to, that is."

She decides not to insist and goes along. "Yeah, I'm a bit tired, we can call it a night."

Peter smiles at her and when he's about to turn around, he says. "Thank you for coming with me, though. I know parties aren't really your thing, but -"

"I had a great time." She doesn't let him finish his sentence. "Seriously. Thank you for bringing me."

He's looking at her like he never did before, and she can feel something in her stomach. She tries to convince herself that such feeling is due to the beer she had at the party, not related to or caused by Peter.

"I'm glad to hear that, Covey." And he truly, truly is. 

 

* * *

 

Peter and Lara Jean are heading to his car when he mentions something about a lacrosse game - for which he's super excited, by the way - that's in three days. Even though she never really showed much interest in sports, she likes the way he loves to share everything that's related to lacrosse with her. He's really passionate about it and she enjoys being there, just watching his face light up and his eyes go wide whenever he mentions his trainings and games.

"So, do you think you'll be able to come?" He asks when they're both getting inside of his jeep.

"Come where?" She asks, and Lara Jean can tell her answer got him a little frustrated. She's right, he is - maybe more than a little - frustrated.

"Didn't you get my note?" Peter asks, confused, referring to the note he had left in her locker this morning.

Lara Jean closes her mouth, looks at him by the corner of her eyes. "Well, I did get it, it's just - Peter, I don't actually read them." She stutters. 

This bothers him more than he'll admit. "Why not?" Peter questions her, a hand pressed on the wheel, eyes never leaving her face.

She turns her face and then meets his gaze. "To be honest, I don't see why I should, considering you made it very clear the only reason you'd write them was because Gen always asked you to and you wanted this to get at her." Lara Jean can't help but notice how bitter she sounds as she says Genevieve's name and she just hopes he won't.

Peter swallows, lowers his head for a second. "Okay, I understand what you mean and I don't have a problem admitting I said that." She's sort of surprised by the fact he's owning that, but she likes how honest they can be to each other. "But that doesn't mean they're not genuine. I mean, I write them to you." He stops, and it seems like he's considering whether he should continue or not. "Maybe at the beginning I wanted Gen to see it and be pissed - but -"

 _What the fuck does that mean_ is what she's thinking, but she tones it down a bit. "But what?"

"It's not like that anymore. In fact, I could care less if writing you notes affects her." Peter sounds so certain and Lara Jean, suddenly, isn't, and she really doesn't know what to say right now - which's ironic, because she always knows what to say. "Okay?" And it's like he's asking her to believe him.

"Okay." She replies simply, nodding, eyes firmly on his. "I'll read them from now on." And she really enjoys the fact her reply made him smile like that.

"Good." He's about to start the car, but turns at her one more time. "So what should we do tonight?" Peter asks and immediately, Lara Jean has this shocking look on her face. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

She laughs, putting on her seatbelt. "It's just - it's friday, Peter. I assumed you'd have other plans tonight, that's all."

"Apparently, you assumed wrong." Which is sort of a lie, because he could, you know, do other stuff. His friends invited him to a party, his mother also invited him and Lara Jean to a birthday she's attending tonight, but Lara Jean said she'd rather not go since she doesn't feel comfortable bringing more people into their lie, so yeah.. he'd like to be with her, though. With Lara Jean. On a friday night.

She loves teasing him, so she says, poking him on the shoulder. "Well, Peter Kavinsky, that's new. I gotta say."

"It's a good thing I can surprise you." Peter says naturally.

 _There_.

Just like that, something in the air shifts. Again. It's tense, all at once. Not necessarily bad tense, just - different. They're sitting in his car, at the parking lot, not really moving or anything and he keeps staring at her, so she speaks the first thing that comes to her mind. "We could, um, go see a movie. I mean, actually go to a movie theater?" She says and it comes out kind of like a question, too. Then she looks at him, because maybe that's too much? Isn't that something actual, real, in love couples do? And he won't take his eyes off of her, and she thinks she sees him look directly at her lips but maybe she's just imagining things. "I don't know, I'm just saying that because we watch films at home all the time, even with Kitty, so, it'd be something different. For us to do."

Peter lets her finish, he can tell she's rambling because she's nervous and he doesn't want to cut her and be rude or anything. He touches her hand, which lays comfortably on her left leg, squeezes it a little bit, trying to reassure her it's okay - and his touch doesn't bother Lara Jean, quite the contrary. It feels appropriate, like their skin are meant to be touching.

 _Cheesy_ , she thinks. And she sort of feels in one of those novels she likes to read.

"I'd like that. It's been a while since I've been to the movies." She's thankful for the fact he doesn't make a big deal of it - despite the fact that maybe it is a big deal. She wouldn't be feeling her heart skipping a beat like this if it wasn't, right? He doesn't let go of her hand and she can feel her skin burning a little beneath his touch. See, that's the thing. Being with him, like this, feels natural, like it's supposed to be what it is, but still, rather new, like it's not supposed to be like this considering they're not really, actually, truly _dating_.

There's a lot happening inside of her head, plus there's _Peter_. It's annoying how handsome he is. Those eyes, ugh. _Is he still staring at my lips?_ And she can't - or know how to - deal with it all at the moment, really, so she smiles and asks what should they watch. 

"The last time we watched a film, I chose." He says, and _when did his voice become this sexy?_ "So, it's your call tonight."

Lara Jean raises one eyebrow at him, joking and trying to ease the tension. "Okay, this just got very interesting."

"Don't be mean, Covey." Peter warns, joking along with her. 

She flutters her eyelashes playfully at him, and he knows, right there, she will be the _death_ of him. "I could never be mean."

He knows he's never wanted to kiss someone so intensely his whole damn life. 

"I can pick you up at 6 pm, is that good? We can go to the movies and then grab something to eat for dinner." He's aware that he didn't even start the car yet, and it's like they can be here talking for hours. Or days. Maybe more. 

"Great." She's excited and all, but she's still Lara Jean, and she's a little skeptical about all of this. So she goes: "And, you know, if anything changes and you need to - do, um, something else, I totally understand, I mean, this is not even in the contract -"

And now he can't really help it and cuts her off. "Fuck the contract, Covey, honestly." She laughs, running her fingers through her hair, keeping it from falling on her face. She looks so beautiful to him right now. "I'll pick you up at six." Peter repeats, simply.

Lara Jean beams because, you know, she can't really contain herself from doing so. "Fine, I'll be waiting."

"It's a date." And she can tell by the way he says it that he means _exactly_ what she thinks he means.

She playfully rolls her eyes at him. "Just drive me home, Kavinsky." She demands.

And he does.

 

* * *

 

 

It's the middle of the afternoon, Peter and Lara Jean are studying - or at least should be - at an empty classroom. They stayed at school today so she could help him a little with some exercises, since they have a test by the end of week. He can feel something's up with her, but can't really touch it. Maybe that's why he won't stop staring. He can't always figure her out and it kills him. In a good way, but it does.

"If you intend to study, you probably should look at those exercises, Peter, not at me." She whispers, loud enough so he will hear her, not really considering how that would sound.

Peter raises his eyebrows. "Woah, you're sharp today." He comments, but her annoyed look doesn't go unnoticed. "Is everything okay?"

Lara Jean crosses her arms under her chest. "What do you mean?" Yep, she's annoyed.

Peter lets out a breath. "Well, first, you're awfully quiet today and that's not like you." The fact he actually _sees_ her makes her expression softer. "And what you just said came off rude. Which is also not like you."

Lara Jean looks down, and he can tell she's frustrated now. "I'm sorry, Peter, I didn't mean to.." He mumbles that he knows, smiles and it solaces her. "Nothing is wrong."

Her voice is weak and he doesn't believe her, at all. He leans in, getting a little bit closer to her. "Do our code, Covey. No bullshit. Be honest with me, c'mon."

She's playing with the edges of her hair and he can tell she's not okay. "I'm afraid that if I actually say it out loud, it'll hurt me more." Lara Jean realizes how concerned he suddenly is and puts his hand on his shoulder to, somehow, show him that it's okay - even if it's not really. "No, you don't have to look at me like that, Peter, it's nothing you could possibly do or - nothing I could possibly do for that matter."

"Okay..." He doesn't understand what she means, but he doesn't want to invade her privacy or whatever, so he lets it be. "I don't want to insist or push you into talking to me, but - I'm here for you. You know that, right?"

Lara Jean caresses his hand as she says, softly: "I do. Thank you for caring."

 _How could I not care?_ is what he wishes to say, but he doesn't. Peter is actually worried and it's hard to shake the thoughts off of his mind, but he really doesn't want her to feel pressured to say anything, so he just stays there with her quietly. He figures she'll come to him for help if she considers it appropriate. It's harder to concentrate now, but he keeps on trying. She needs emotional space now, so he'll give her that.

Later that night, around 8 pm, he's laying on the couch, watching a film with his brother when she calls him. Lara Jean is calling him for the first time. Ever. They usually text each other in order to communicate, so that's new. He feels his heart jump a little in his chest when he answers her. "Hey, Covey." Peter tries his best to hide his concern and anxiety. And how he's grinning right now over the fact she's calling him.

"Can you talk right now?" She asks in a low voice, almost as if she was whispering.

"Of course." He responds, promptly. _Even if I couldn't, I would_ he thinks. "What's wrong?"

Lara Jean chuckles. "Can you tell something's wrong?" She answers and he knows she's just gaining more time to prepare herself for speaking whatever it is she wants to speak. He's already moved from the living room to this bedroom, just in case. "Adding how you've been and acted today to the fact this is the first time you call me.. yeah, I can tell something is wrong, Covey."

She takes a long, deep breath, and he's kind of imagining what her face looks like right now. "I wanted to tell you this afternoon, it's just - I would've cried if I did, I was literally swallowing my tears -"

"You know, it's okay to cry in front of me..." He interrupts her because he just wants to make sure she knows that. "Just saying - I. I'm sorry, continue."

She smiles a bit. He's adorable. Sometimes she loves it, sometimes she hates it, but _he is_. Lara Jean continues, her voice suddenly sounding much more fragile: "Anyways, my - it's my mother's death anniversary today."

"Shit. Fuck, Covey, do you want me to go there?" Peter's already getting out of his bed while asking her.

Shaking her head, as if he could see her, she replied that there's no need for him to. "No - it's okay, Peter, I promise."

He then asks her again because this is - _fuck_ this is sad and he just wants to make sure she knows he'll do anything for her. "Is it? I don't mind -" 

Now, she's the one cutting him off. "It is, don't worry, I'm fine I guess." And she is, honestly, as fine as one can be in such situation. "I just wanted to explain to you why I behaved the way I did the whole day."

This is one of the greatest things about her and one of his favorite Lara Jean traits. She can be in a bad place but she'll still consider someone else's feelings. It's so easy to be so completely sunken in your own pain through difficult times that you just won't really see anything or anyone around you. But Lara Jean will. Peter can feel his heart expand thinking about how amazing she is. "You didn't have to, honestly." He answers. "But - thank you, I mean, for sharing this with me. And I'm sorry, I really am. If there's anything I can do..."

"You already are, you're listening." Lara Jean can tell he's smiling to his phone now. "It's very nice having someone besides my family to share this with, so thank you. And you are a great listener. It's been a long time, so I'm used to missing her. But when this day comes, every year, it's just - pain. And I miss her so much - too much even - it hurts. It fucking hurts." Her voice is cracking and he knows she's about to shed a few tears, so he just lets her. And she's so thankful, because it's exactly what she needed.

They're quiet for about two minutes and she breathes, trying to calm herself. He wishes he could hold her hand now, hold her whole body, maybe. He wishes he could take this pain away. She knows he's waiting for her permission, so she tells him he can say something, if he wants to. Peter knows there's not much to say, but he tries either way. "I think - shit, Covey, I think the only thing you can do right now is feel it. You told me once that we have to be honest with ourselves and that it's okay to feel. So feel this pain. You're - you're not alone in this."

And he means it with every fiber of his being.

Thank you, Peter." And maybe she's just vulnerable right now but she's really, really glad he's there for her. "You're, um, you're really sweet. And that really comforts me."

"I'm here for you." He says, reaffirming what she was thinking just now. "Is there anything you'd like to do? Like to honor her or something?"

"Maybe." Lara Jean answers after taking a few seconds to think.

Peter grins. "Shoot."

And she can't even believe she's actually cogitating this. "Okay, but it's totally fine if you're not up to it."

He pretends to be offended. "Me not up to anything? Do you even know me, Covey?"

And that makes her laugh, really laugh, and it's probably the first sincere laugh she had today. Which makes him extremely happy. And full of himself, too. Obviously. She begins. "Daddy told me the other day that they used to go to the Corner Cafe all the time when they were dating, before me and my sisters were born, and that mom would listen to a song, at least twice, get up and start dancing around the tables." 

Peter smiles because he knows where this is heading to. "She sure sounds incredible."

And she loves that he's talking about her mother so tenderly. "He said he wishes he had danced with her more. So - yeah, I think that's what I want to do. I want to dance. There. For her."

He knows his heart has never beaten so fast. "Can I take you out to dance, then, Covey?" She closes her eyes, one of her hands pressed on her face because she can't believe she's actually doing it. "Yes, you most certainly can."

They hang up the phone and within twenty minutes, Peter is at her house, picking her up so they can head to the diner. When they get there, she's really relieved to see the place almost empty, after all, she's quite self conscious about what she's about to do. When _Everybody Wants to Rule The World_ starts playing, she looks at him, her cheeks burning like never before.

"Right now, I kind of wish we could buy alcohol here." Lara Jean says, looking around, studying the place, trying to force herself to get up.

He laughs at how precious she is. "We don't need that." Peter replies, just staring at her very anxious self.

"We?" She asks, confused.

"Well, duh." Peter has his both hands in the air. "You think you're doing this alone? Hell no."

She feels much more comfortable because at least now she won't embarass herself alone. They both will. So that's reassuring. "You ready, Covey?" He holds out his hand to her and how could she not be ready when he has those sparkling eyes on her like that? She puts her hand on his, they get up, his other hand pressed on her waist, fingers touching her long hair. And, the truth is, now it feels like they're the only ones here. He can feel she's getting more and more relaxed so he twirls her around and he loves the laugh that scapes her lips and how her head goes all the way back in the movement. She's so carefree right now. He feels himself paralysed for a few seconds because she's nearly too much. He just wants to look at her, take her all in. Walking around the tables, fleet-footed, lip syncing the lyrics to the song. He knows he'll never forget this. No matter how many years go by, he'll always think of this moment as the moment he knew he loved Lara Jean Song Covey. She returns to him, and she's clearly caught up in the moment, not overthinking things, when she just jumps on Peter, legs wrapped on his waist. He catches her immediately and he can't help but feel that this is exactly where she belongs. She hugs him. Those squeezy, warm, long, I-will-never-let-you-go hugs. Her hair all over his face, Peter takes a deep breath, letting her scent in. She's so beyond thankful he encouraged her to do this. And did this, with her, too. She's positively sure this is the most love she's ever felt inside of her.

The music comes to an end and the few people there start applauding - that's when they sort of come back from wherever they where. Lara Jean hops off of Peter, but they're apparently unable to break the physical contact to right now, so she keeps her hands on his shoulders as he keeps his hands on her hips.

"Thank you." She says, her eyes wet with emotion, pressing her chin on his chest.

He knows what she's thanking him for, but maybe, she's not only talking about tonight. She won't say that, though, not yet.

"You know, she would've loved the girl you have become." Peter whispers, and he then runs his fingers through her hair, leaning down to kiss her forehead. His lips stay there for a while and It's the most caring kiss he's ever given. The most caring kiss she's ever received.

And for now, that'll do.

 

* * *

 

 

Wednesday, around 5 pm. Lara Jean and Peter are at her place, waiting for Kitty's call. She's studying at her friend's, Dr. Covey had driven her there on his way to the hospital and she texted Peter, asking if he would pick her up at dusk, since she didn't exactly trust Lara Jean's driving and her friend lived pretty far. Peter really can't say no to Kitty, and there's no reason why he should in a situation like this, so he agreed to do it right away. He actually loves the way that kid is always so happy around him. How they sometimes join forces to tease Lara Jean. How often after dinner, Kitty will ask him if they can play some board game or if he can go get them ice cream. Yeah, he loves being around them. Peter stops by a little earlier because Lara Jean told him she'd bake cookies and he wouldn't miss that. She has flour on her face when she gets the door and he swears she's the cutest thing he's ever laid eyes on, even though he's seen her like this several times by now. They've done this before so it's nothing new, really. He actually enjoys watching her cook and learning from and with her. At the beginning, things got a little messy because Peter's such a player and he can be so goofy sometimes - in the greatest meaning of the word, she thinks. But now, he could do these cookies all by himself if she'd let him. And if he didn't enjoy watching her move around the kitchen this much.

She sits on the kitchen counter as they wait for the oven alarm to go off, everything is already cleaned up so they're just waiting.

"This is nice." He says, after a few minutes of comfortable silence. Yeah, they don't know exactly when the silence between them became this comfortable, but it sure did.

"It is, isn't it?" She has this contemplative look on her face, as she plays with the hem of her apron.

"You seem surprised." He laughs. "Were you expecting one of our baking sessions to be lame, Covey?" Peter says, and she can't really tell if he's just teasing or if he actually means what he's saying, so, she just answers his question regardless.

"No, of course not." She shrugs, looking down at her hands and then looking at him. "I guess I didn't know what to expect."

He knows what she means by that, and he tells her. "I get it that it's weird, considering we're supposably in a fake relationship." Peter is looking so directly at her that he's not even blinking. That now familiar tension building up once again.

"Supposably?" She repeats, and he's right in front of her, and she could oh so easily just open her knees a little bit to fit him in between her legs, where _she wants_ him, but she shakes that thought off her head. She has to. "We are in a fake relationship." Lara Jean says, almost like she's trying to convince herself of that.

"Are we really?" And he leans in, putting his two hands on the counter right next to her legs, their mouths close enough she can feel his breath. "We're just pretending, right? Like you said a while ago."

She can't stop looking at his lips, _were they always this red?_ "That's what we said we would do, Peter." Lara Jean has no recollection of her voice sounding like this ever, and the way she spoke his name right now is how he wants to hear her say his name forever. _Forever?_ "The whole point of this fake dating thing - and - um - the contract, and -" 

He starts speaking before she finishes her sentence. "You're right, it's what we said we would do." Peter says and that's the real deal, they actually agreed to do this. It was a conscious, deliberate action. She wanted to convince a guy she wasn't in love with him and he wanted to make his ex girlfriend jealous, therefore, that's why they accepted to help each other throughout this whole thing. So why does it feel like these prior motives don't even matter anymore? Why is it that the very last things on their minds are Josh and Gen now? And Peter just has to ask her. "But is it what we're doing?"

"I - I don't know." Lara Jean replies in a barely audible voice and she knows she's lying as soon as the words leave her throat.

He smiles softly at her, trying to encourage her somehow. "Bullshit, Covey. You do know. Are we pretending?"

And the way he's looking at her right now makes whatever fear she's ever felt about this and them turn to dust. "No, I don't think we are." Her voice is as confident as it was when she dared him not to call Gen.

"That's my girl." She laughs and suddenly she's shy. He's said that before but it's different now, it's the first time he means it like this. "I really want to do something right now, but I'm not sure I can, because when we started all of this, you said you didn't want me to." And she knows he's talking about the no kissing rule she requested for the contract. Now, seeing him like this, this close, with those eyes, and that hair, and those lips, she feels stupid thinking about all the kisses they could've had already. But it means so much to her that he's asking, that she notices herself slowly wrapping her arms around his neck and she knows what he's about to inquire. "What do you want me to do, Covey?" And her name rolls off his tongue so easily, yet so diffently this time. Pure desire. She's delighted by that. It's like he's asking for something only Lara Jean can provide.

She caresses his face, touching him and mentally counting the freckles on his nose. "I want you to kiss me." She replies, and it's like those words were so beyond ready to be spoken by her to him. Only him. He gives her his best smile, whispering finally against her chin, before pressing a light kiss there, on her cheek, on the corner of her mouth and then - _fucking finally_ , indeed - his lips meet hers. Peter pulls her to him, one of his hands on her lower back, the other one in her neck, his fingers tangled in her long, shiny, dark hair. Lara Jean opens her mouth, their tongues savoring one another as the kissing grows more and more urgent. His hands are dancing on her back and she suddenly wraps her legs on his hips bringing them closer because she needs him. Peter starts to lower his hands slowly and she wants him everywhere now but she knows he's probably unsure of whether or not he could continue, so she pulls him even closer, pressing her chest against his, her nails sinking on the skin of his neck as a moan scapes her lips. She'll be the death of him. That's her way of telling him how much she's actually enjoying having him like this. He takes the hint - and she loves that he does - and then he starts sliding his hands up and down the sides of her body, squeezes her butt, which makes her moan again, before putting them behind her knees and taking her out of the counter, her legs still wrapped around him. Peter breaks the kiss for a second because he needs to know she's okay with this, and when his mouth leaves hers, she whimpers.

He looks at her and there's so much there. She can see love, and tenderness, and lust, and she's never felt this good. His eyes are burning with desire and that's all on her. Dark haired, tall, beautiful, deserves-background-music-he-looks-that-good Peter Kavinsky wants her like crazy. "It's okay." She breathes against his mouth, giving him what he needed. "Let's go upstairs to my bedroom."

And she won't have sex now, that's not even an option and they're both aware of that. It's not what this is about. She just wants to surround herself with him. She wants to feel his body on hers. She wants to enjoy this feeling of being so wanted by someone. Scratch that, not someone. _Peter_.

Peter takes a lock of her hair in his hand, puts it behind her ear, he's holding her tiny body with one arm and she thinks this is the sexiest thing she's ever witnessed. He starts heading upstairs, his eyes never leaving hers as he presses tender and soft kisses on her mouth. He swallows hard when they enter her room - he can't help it. Maybe he's more nervous than she is, after all. Peter lays Lara Jean on the bed, her back on the matress as he brings himself to be on top of her. Gently, though, he doesn't want to crash her or anything.

"I don't mind if you do." She whispers and that's when he realises he said it out loud.

He can't believe this is actually happening. Well, he can. Because she's there and her lips are swollen from all the kissing and she smells so good and she wants him and that's all he can think about so he obviously knows this is real. It's just - almost too much. She's always been almost too much but now - _shit_ this is a whole new level. He didn't even knew he could feel all of this and not explode.

"You have no idea how much I wanted this. For how long I've been wanting this." Peter says against her lips and the fact they can have a conversation in between kisses is probably their new favorite thing.

"I think I do." Lara Jean says because she truly does know it - now. She can feel it. Him. Literally. She looks st him, nothing but lust and adoration in her eyes, making sure he gets what she means. Whenever she imagined how something like this would be and feel - not necessarily with Peter, but just being this close to a boy, she always pictured herself as being shy or holding back. Well, she has no problem admitting - at least to herself - that this feels great. And if that's what it feels like being turned on, she's glad she's living it. "Why didn't you say anything - before?" She asks him.

He's now laying on his stomach really close to her, his chin pressed on her right shoulder. "I didn't want you to be scared, I was afraid you'd pull out." Peter answers, honestly, his finger drawing patters on her arm. "I needed you to have your own time to realize this is what you wanted too."

"I'm not scared. Not anymore."

The words roll out of her tongue so naturally, it was almost like a reflex. She wants this. All of this. All of him. All of them. Lara Jean is positively sure she's never seen him this happy. Did she mention she loves being the one making him this happy?

"Okay, so this is it, right?" He says between kisses he's planting on her skin. "No more acting like we're just pretending. We're living this. Right?"

"We are. We're living this."

When she says it out loud, it sort of hits her. It hits her that she's actually allowing herself to feel, to trust, to open up. It's easier than she thought it would be, she thinks. And maybe that has something to do with Peter - or a lot, even. it's easier to let herself feel, and trust, and open up when he's the one holding her hand. _When he's the one wanting me this bad,_ she also thinks.

"Thank God." He says, going on top of her again because it's been a few minutes and his skin misses hers. "Now I can kiss you whenever I want." Peter breathes against her neck as she feels her whole body awakening.

"You can." She breathes, wrapping her arms around him, her hands travelling underneath his shirt, his skin burning to her touch. "And you should." Because her mouth wants to make up for all these months of lost time.

Well, not exactly lost time because she's so sure they should meet here - right here and like this. That everything that's happened until now has brought them to this place. He kisses Lara Jean again and that's pretty much how they spend the remaining time they have until Kitty calls. And when she does, he tells her they're going but maybe they'll keep her waiting just for ten more minutes.

Maybe twenty. They can blame it on the traffic later. All that matters is that, now, they have all the time in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys!  
> My name is Gabi, this is the very first Covinsky fanfic I worked on and I'm incredibly happy to share it with all of you.  
> I apologize in advance for any spelling/grammatical errors there might have been in it, english isn't my first language, but I tried my best.  
> I'd love to hear feedbacks and I intend to keep on writing, so if you have any ideas or requests, please let me know.  
> I'm very active on twitter, so you can reach me there as well. (https://twitter.com/hollygolightIy)
> 
> xx


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